...Continued
from top
"That's outrageous! I never even look at The Sun, never mind Photoshop pictures for it. I hope you've complained to the editor - using words no longer than four letters," harrumphed Dan Hunt, who was horrified to see his unaccredited Manchester Debtors MasterCard spoof in the tabloid he claims not to read. And while our winner, Holger Klein, has gone into hiding, sources close to the artist revealed he was devastated: "The outrage and disgust Holger felt at only getting a 1979 FA Cup final DVD for winning first prize in your Gallery is nothing compared to how hurt he is today," explained a friend of the cheated maestro. "That rag has taken advantage of him to sell more papers. He feels cheated and used." Of course we'd never actually accuse The Sun of "sampling" our Gallery, for fear flame-haired editor Rebekah Wade would snare Weird Uncle Fiver in a honey-trap, or send her teak-hard (ie wooden) thespian husband Grant Mitchell's Ultimate Force round to shoot up Fiver Towers. However, when The Fiver did take the liberty of asking The Sun where exactly they'd acquired their hilarious alternative MU Rowdy crests, a spokeswoman met our enquiry with a terse: "No comment".
See both Galleries: ./presspublishing/story/0,7495,1502964, .
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I am not an agent ... some of the worst people I have met in football are agents" - Harry Kewell's personal manager Bernie Mandic to London's High Court today.
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BUMPER RED-TOP RUMOUR MILL
Much Edu about nothing: the over-rated Celta Vigo midfielder is a target for the Big Cup holders and their mates from across Stanley Park.
Robert's Pomp-glee: moaning Newcastle winger Laurent Robert will happily move to Portsmouth, if they can afford his £30,000-a-week wage and Rangers or Real Mallorca don't pinch him first.
Will Roman get the Horn: Mr 10% is getting a bit twitchy as Asier Del Horno's proposed move to Chelsea could be pipped by Kakha Kaladze swapping places with Hernan Crespo at Stamford Bridge.
Kirky packs his Bags: Will-he-ever-get-a-game-for-England? keeper Chris Kirkland has a loan move to West Brom on the cards.
Spurred into action: a top-class midfielder could finally be heading to White Hart Lane with Tottenham keeping close tabs on the next eviction from Inter's Big Brother house, Edgar Davids.
Coppo load of that: meanwhile, Spurs have been told to hand over £ to Messina if they want fellow midfield man Carmine Coppola.
Souey names his Toon: Emre Belozoglu has joined Scott Parker on Newcastle boss Graeme Souness' growing wishlist.
Kall-on me: Bongo FC, Charlton, West Brom are ready to take up Monaco's Mohamed Kallon on his wantaway plea.
New Jack city: Arsene Wenger has an English teenager in his sights as he plans to snap up 16-year-old Lincoln City defender Jack Hobbs.
And Thanks, but no Yanks (which we'll happily credit the Sun with): just when Sir Alex of Redface is given £14m from Big Malky's kitty to spend on Valencia's Vicente, the Spaniard snubs him.
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STILL WANT MORE
And in tomorrow's super soaraway 60p Guardian: Sean Ingle reports on Middlesex v Surrey at Lord's, where the sun is splitting the rocks and the press box is full of free Pimms and dainty triangular sandwiches. Gah!
And in tomorrow's sandal-wearing, mung bean-eating 30p Sun: some pictures of Abi Titmuss and everything that appeared in today's super soaraway 60p Guardian:
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NEWS IN BRIEFS
Tip for Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole et al: wise up, win Big Cup, and THEN demand a new deal. That's what Didi Hamann did and he was today awarded a new one-year contract with Liverpool, with an option of a second year.
Fredi Kanouté could be on his way out of Tottenham this summer after refusing to go on the club's pre-season trip to Mauritius. So, with Mido already gone, the White Hart Lane faithful could be treated to Robbie Keane's "acrobatic" celebrations for another year yet.
Hibernian captain Ian Murray today recited two decades of the rosary, took a vow of celibacy and signed a three-year contract with the Pope's O'Rangers.
AS Roma have signed turf-thumping Ghanaian defender Samuel Kuffour from Bayern Munich on a free transfer. Bolton boss Sam Allardyce was said to have been devastated on missing out on the powerful centre-back until finding out he's only 28.
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DEAR DEIDRE
"Heartening to see all the best parts of the men's game making it into women's football in Euro 2005. Diving, playacting, feigning injury, time wasting and (most importantly of all) slagging off the referee at the end of the match were all present and correct" - Mike Rice.
"Has anyone seen a direct free-kick in the Women's Euro 2005? I was just wondering what they hold on to when they're in the wall?" Phil B.
"Regarding Women's Euro 2005: is Pippo Inzaghi included in the Italian squad for this competition?" - Bogdan Kotarlic.
"We've got a great chance to win the Ashes this year. Let's hope our boys can kick Shane and his team-mates where it hurts" - Becky, 24, London.
"Can I just say how cheeky Steve Searle (yesterday's Fiver) is. You would never catch me trying to get the Guardian to advertise my own personal (and much better) prediction league at .com!" - Richy Whitehouse.
"Could someone please show Clinton Morrison what that big fishing-net on poles is for" - Joe Lowly, Kiev.
"Re: Bernie the Leicester fan. Thought he sounded familiar. His notoriety has spread to the other side of the pond where he can be seen blowing his trumpet in the 'Bar Clays English Premieeer League' adverts on Fox Sports Soccer Channel about 25 times every single day" - Matt Barker. [Leicester? In the English Premieeer League? - Fiver Ed].
"The ludicrous tit-for-tat that we are reading from your Glasgow readers brings to mind the Quentin Crisp quote: 'When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience said "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"'" - Roger Bejinde, London.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - marked Fiver Letters - to .uk.
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TV AND RADIO BIZ
BBC Two: Match of the Day - Women's Euro 2005 ()
We unleashed this horse so you'd best believe we're going to flog it. Here then, is Peter Simmons with the latest of your tales of terrace oddballs.
Five: Argentinian Football ()
"Back in the late 70's, on the ramshackle South bank at Upton Park, each and every home game would be interrupted for me and my mates at about by a guy arriving as drunk as a proverbial Lord and armed with a bowl of local wares he wished to share," recalls Peter.
Sky Sports 1: Live International Football - Australia v New Zealand (7pm)
"Jellied eels are not many people's idea of top nosh but they are reputed to be tasty. British Eurosport: Women's Euro 2005 Live - Italy v Germany ()
"But I can tell you that watching this fat drunken smelly slob suck them noisily through his bushy 1970's bongo-star-moustache, often while still smoking a B&H and juggling his cup of tea, I could never, ever eat any kind of eel.
France v Norway (8pm)
"On to more modern times now," continues Peter, clearly on a roll. "I live in NY and have adopted the NY Mets baseball team as my latest 'nearly' team.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"At most games I attend there is a guy who spends the whole game walking round and round Shea Stadium with a cowbell banging away in an effort to start the crowd chanting 'Lets go Mets!'. Not that bad right? Seen worse right?" Yes, Pete, get to the point please.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"But this coot actually went to the trouble of having his own Mets Jersey customised with the legend 'Cowbell Man' across his shoulders! Who the hell goes into a sports store and requests Cowbell Man be added to his jersey?"
Newstalk 106 (.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Surely Peter, you have just answered that question. As for the rest of you, please help us finish off this riff in fittingly barmy style by sending one last tale to .uk, marking them Last And Hopefully Not Least.
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CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, mailto:.uk
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WELL FOR SOME, LORDING IT UP AT THE CRICKET WHILE WE HOLD THE FORT